May 2023 Week 4

“Relax with what is!”
For good or bad, not sure which, my intentions always become very, very relevant and timely to me. This past weekend I was submerged in the joy of my youngest sons college graduation. I was present, grateful and even took previous months intentions with me - “I am enough, I have enough, All is well” and “Everything is unfolding exactly as it should.” I did not force any part of the gathering and celebrating, I never once wanted it to be “more” or different - it was exactly as it should have been and it was amazing!!!!!
We arrived home Monday night and Tuesday morning my husband and I woke up and drove to NJ to say goodbye to his friend of 40 years and our best friend. We raised our kids together and have travelled this life for many years.
Back in RI this morning and I pulled up my note for this weeks dharma and what I had written was simply “we can’t selectively numb”, yup very relevant! I was in the fullness and the joy of my sons celebrations and now these 2 days in the fullness of the sadness and the loss. When i wrote those words earlier in the month about selectively numbing, I was thinking in my mind that if I try to numb and not acknowledge fears, worries and regrets then I would on some level be diminishing the joys in my life. This is true on many levels and what happened for me is I acknowledged, shared and worked through my fears, regrets and concerns prior to the weekend which opened me up to a level of acceptance, gratitude and joy that I have not experienced in the past - I am actually getting better lol!!
Now after the fullness of joy, I am now in the fullness of my loss and sadness. This is obviously not the feelings we encounter as often as the fears and worries, but this is real life happening. I am grateful that my heart can be bursting with love snd gratitude for our friends while we watch their dad and husband pass. There is no numbing, no drink, food, shopping or any other escape right now. It is simple raw emotions. For right now my place is to sit with them and “relax with what is.”