November 2024 week 4

Happy Thanksgiving to you all!! This dharma is quite long and it is a reflection I wrote this week that I thought I would share with you all, so here goes.

In 2023 for some reason Donald and our dear friends signed up with our church in RI to take a pilgrimage to the Holy Land accompanied by our priest. Unfortunately with the out break of the war our trip was cancelled. At that point we had the option to take half of our money and walk away from the tour group, join our parish priest in Italy or hop on another trip with a priest from Evansville, Indiana and his group. This priest, Fr John, was going from Fatima, Portugal to Santiago, Spain and finishing in Lourdes, France with a few stops along the way. We chose this trip for some reason and are now on our way home. Our travel should have been December 2023, but this trip began last week on November 13th and is finishing now on November 23rd. At the time that we signed up I was not thinking of the following parallel timeline, but here goes:

November 14, 2019 I received a call from a radiologist after a November 7th routine mammogram that they detected “architectural distortion” and would like me to have a biopsy.
November 20, 2019 I had the biopsy.

November 14, 2024 arrived at the beginning of our holy pilgrimage in the miraculous city of Fatima, Portugal
November 20. 2024 arrived at our final destination of our holy pilgrimage in the miraculous city of Lourdes, France

Today, November 25, 2024 Is my 5 year mark post diagnosis which I received on November 25, 2019: invasive lobular breast cancer and this is my day to reflect and share.

“Anxiety weighs down the heart, but a kind word cheers it up.” Psalm 12:25

I think you would agree that no one would ever want to hear the words you have invasive lobular breast cancer or cancer of any kind! On November 14th I came out of the yoga studio in NJ where I was wrapping up leading a 3 day vegan yoga cleanse with my students and I had a voicemail from the radiologist. They detected something that was not there on my last mammogram, architectural distortion she called it and said these things are usually nothing, but sometimes they are so they needed a biopsy to make sure. How coincidental that I would begin my holy pilgrimage on November 14, 2024 exactly 5 years later. Well I am not sure there are coincidences, rather there are many “God - instances” if we are paying attention.

My 5 year journey has been difficult in many ways, yet a walk in the park in comparison to others who have battled this disease. 5 years ago at this time I was engulfed in fear, it was hard to eat, focus and sleep. My thoughts ruminated around fearful projections which did not include trusting the God of my understanding. I was stuck in feeling that this situation was a little too big for me to hand over to my God, I needed to hold on tightly and worry, worry, worry. I will not bore you with the details of my treatment but one part of it included taking what doctors call a “chemo pill” which blocks cancer cells from being able to use estrogen to grow. Sounds pretty good right? Well along side this purpose of preventing recurrence, I have suffered a whole host of side effects ranging from dehydration, joint pain and bone loss to severe insomnia, anxiety and a general sense of losing my mind! Oh boy. Some women abandon their prescription due to these adverse side effects, but I decided to stick it out. The first year was an absolute mess, which isn’t even strong enough words to describe the level of regret and shame I have for the way I responded to life circumstances. I then spent the next 3 years with a ruminating mind and sleepless nights replaying my actions and wanting to go back in time and do things differently, however we all know that is not possible and so I sat day and night with ruminating thoughts and very harsh self judgement. I then started to reflect on the parts of myself and my personality that I wanted to change and heal, I wanted to deepen my faith and my spiritual self so I could leave behind the fearful, self driven Karen. This part of me was essential for my survival of a lot of life circumstances, but as they say what allows us to survive, does not help us thrive. This is exactly where I was and this brings me to the past year. I have used every tool in my spiritual tool kit and many new ones I have picked up to truly feel like I am a different person. Is it possible that I went through this journey to be able to be where I am now? A place I dreamed of being emotionally and spiritually yet it seemed out of my reach. I am not sure I would be who I am today, had I not gone through everything I did the last 5 years.

From a spot along our trip I read: A Pilgrimage has the classic three-stage form of a rite of passage: (1) separation (the start of the journey), (2) the liminal stage (the journey itself, the sojourn at the shrine, and the encounter with the sacred), and (3) re aggregation (the homecoming).

The synchronicity of the timing of this trip feels overwhelmingly powerful to me. When we arrived at Lourdes after a truly holy pilgrimage from Fatima and Santiago I was overcome with emotions and I could not control my tears. It actually felt like I finally cried for the first time since November 2019 when I was initially diagnosed. After the diagnosis, I then went into Karen’s “persistent show up and get through it” mode. This week has given me so many opportunities to sit and reflect on my life, all that I have overcome, who I am and who I want to be. Something I encourage in my yoga classes for myself and my students, but this felt different and deeper.

If you don’t know what Lourdes is, it is said to be a land of healing of the body and soul. In 1858, a young woman Bernadette heard a message from the Holy Mother (in the Catholic faith) “Go and drink at the spring and wash yourself there”, she also performed a miracle of rubbing the earth in a spot and water spouted out, the water at Lourdes today is used for healing.
As a catholic I took advantage of everything offered to me to heal my body and soul: I prayed at the grotto multiple times, prayed the rosary, went to mass and confession and participated in the water gesture with my husband and an amazingly sweet volunteer woman where she instructed us to wash our hands with the holy water she poured, then wash our faces and finally drink the water. Since my hands were wet I placed some on my breasts to bring healing and even though she spoke French and I spoke English, she saw me, she brought me over and gave me more water for another healing gesture and then we embraced. All I can say is wow, wow, wow - I truly have no words for how I felt in that small room with this woman and Donald. I truly felt a deep level of self acceptance and an even deeper connection with and love for Donald. This same room where millions of sick people have come for a miracle and some have received. The small space had the original baths in it which they submerged people in before the pandemic. The process we experienced is the new official water gesture of the Sanctuary of Lourdes for healing, wow how did we get there? And how did it line up with exactly 5 years post diagnosis and our 30 year wedding anniversary next week? In addition to all of this we each lit a candle with prayers for healing and finally I wrote a note with my intentions for personal healing along with a list of our families and of so many of you who asked us to say a pray. I left this note in the grotto next to the original water spout.

I am on the flight home and now what? I pray that the healing I felt for my body and soul will stay with me and help transform me into the version of me I truly have been seeking. It no longer feels elusive. I can look back at myself and who I have been all these years, good and bad and accept myself and dare I say, love myself. At the water gesture it was written that pilgrims come to leave their worries and that I am going to try to hold onto. I also am trying to leave behind all the past traumas of my life and to look at them as teachers and part of my path to renewal.
I have been on a spiritual journey for 33 years and the past 5 years has brought me to a deeper connection with the faith of my upbringing, Catholicism. The judging part of me looks at me and says you are a hypocrite, (a front row Catholic I have heard it termed). A monumental message of this trip for me has been I am absolutely not a hypocrite, rather I am a human who fails again and again to be the person I want to be and I am holding on so strongly to my spiritual practices of yoga, meditation, journaling and self reflection in addition to my catholic faith to constantly bring me back in line with myself. So I teach yoga and seep myself in its teachings to receive the comfort it offers me and then I can share that with others in the hope that it can comfort someone else. Similarly, I practice my catholic faith to the best of my ability not because I think I am a perfect holy roller, better than those not practicing, but because I need it and it too brings me comfort and healing of my soul which in turn will keep my body and mind healthy and healed. There are so many examples of amazing people in my life who do not practice yoga or any religion and I do not judge, many of them handle life way, way better than I do. I know I need all the help I can get to constantly be placed back on track, I continue to seek because I want it but more importantly because I need it. God bless those who don’t need as much help for their mind and heart.

Before I close I want to add yet another synchronistic piece of this time: My intention for my yoga classes this month has been - “I Am Lightening My Load” which I brought up since some of us were cleansing together early in the month and the holidays were coming and I thought it would be helpful to lighten ourselves emotionally as well before we gather or not gather with certain people. The cleanse focused on cleansing our nutritional habits as well as our minds and hearts to foster healthier social connections traveling into the holidays.

These intentions always line up for me in a way that I cannot foresee and yup, once again it got me! This trip helped me cleanse my heart and soul and I truly feel lighter. I pray the transformation I feel today stays fresh in my heart and soul and that I know it is never too late to change and grow.

“You were meant to be at home and comfortable in the world. Yet some people live a life of quiet desperation. This is the opposite of being at home and at peace in the world. Let your peace of mind be evident to those around you. Let others see that you are comfortable, and seeing it, know that it springs from your trust in a Higher Power. The dull, hard way of resignation is not God's way. Faith takes the sting out of the winds of adversity and brings peace even in the midst of struggle.
I pray that I may be more comfortable in my way of living. I pray that I may feel more at home and at peace within myself.” Hazelden Thought for the Day.

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Read if you choose as I know this has been lengthly, but I am throwing in a little Astrology, because I think it is important. (the following notes are from an article on the new time of Pluto in Aquarius if you follow astrology. “On November 19th we initiated a profound shift as Pluto entered Aquarius and began a two-decade chapter for us all. And as Sagittarius season begins, we are invited to expand not only the very definition of self but our way of seeing the world. Consider the days ahead to be a bridge between two worlds.

For the last several weeks, we have been releasing patterns, dropping layers, and closing cycles in preparation for one moment - On November 19, 2024, we stepped into a new world, that of Pluto in Aquarius.
Pluto is our planet of inner transformation. Embodying the archetype of the ruler of the underworld, it works in service of empowerment by moving us from beneath the surface and ushering us more into ourselves and more into life. When this outer planet shifts in our cosmos, all of our being shifts along with it as we enter a new era in our lives, both individually and collectively.
Wherever Pluto goes, it brings immense transformation, death, and rebirth.

It’s a time to reflect on what is coming to a close within you as well as observe what is beginning to emerge. On an individual level, personal expansion, innovation, intuition, and psychological insight becomes available. As does an opportunity to become our own authority as we take back our power from outer and inner structures that we have allowed to rule us and are finally able to bring clarity to our visions and desires for what’s ahead.

November 21, 2024, brought our annual entry into the world of Sagittarius. As the Sun entered this adventurous fire sign, we were invited to expand our horizons, explore truth, and look toward the future.

In astrology, the Sun is the source of life force, creative essence, and the spark of our spirit. As it shifts in our cosmos, something shifts within us. The sign where it resides for this next month colors and shapes our energy, creativity, perspectives, and desires as if we have only recently entered its realm. Through us, this sign of the zodiac expresses itself into the world.
The realm of Sagittarius is fire and passion, adventure and freedom, optimism and expansion. It desires to stretch us, open our thinking, and show us all what is waiting beyond the limited walls of our perspectives. It invites us to understand all that is on offer, for it is through experience that we grow, and it is through truly living that wisdom is gained.
This is a time to curiously explore your own beliefs relating to life, truth, and possibility. And it is a season to curiously question all that you discover within yourself, finding the doorway that reveals all that is waiting behind these beliefs.”

That certainly lines up with where I am in my journey of life, it is beyond words how it seems perfectly aligned and divinely timed.